The Day My Tourette’s Showed Up at Work
Today wasn’t a great day. It was the first time my new colleagues have had the (dis)pleasure of experiencing my Tourette’s in full flow.
This is only the sixth week in my new job, and for just over two of those I was swanning around California. Although I’ve been ticcing at work, the tics have been relatively mild and easy to disguise. As a result, my new teammates hadn’t really noticed them — until today. So whilst I was sat at my desk this afternoon, punching myself in the head and desperately wishing that my company would change their mind on working from home, I thought it was a good day to write my first post about my Tourette’s Syndrome – known as TS from now on, to save me typing it every time.
Unlike a lot of people with TS, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my early 20s. I’m not completely sure if it was adult-onset or if I just hid it well as a child. I do remember my Mum telling me off for blinking all the time as a kid despite me not being able to help myself – so maybe that was an early tic, or maybe I just enjoyed doing something that annoyed my Mother!
How it all started
I actually got diagnosed due to an earache. I’d been noticeably ticcing for a few years, not that I knew they were tics. I just thought my body did a few weird things: my legs kicking out in the evening; my right arm shooting sideways whilst on a plane; a jerky neck in the middle of a test. But I never really worried about it. It was only when I went to the doctors for an earache and happened to mention the arm jerking that I realised there was potentially something wrong. He quickly ignored the earache (much to my annoyance) and started booking me in for brain scans and appointments with specialists. A few rounds of tests later, including an MRI and EEG, and they’d ruled out everything that wasn’t Tourette’s.
From there, it’s just something that I’ve lived with and, to be completely honest, occasionally forget about. I try not to make it one of my defining characteristics, but am never ashamed of having this condition.
Feeling seen
I’m actually pretty lucky, as I’d say my TS is relatively mild. For some, their tics can be constant and make getting through each day a real struggle, whereas I definitely have some downtime. As I said, today is the first day that my tics have been noticeable to those sitting around me. I am still ticcing on those other days, but clicking my fingers and tapping the desk is easy to hide. If I can get through the day and the only thing people have noticed from me is a little whistle, then it’s a good day.
“The more I was worried about people noticing, the more I was ticcing.”
But when it – I just refer to my TS as “it”, or a few more unsavoury words when it’s really annoying me – decides it’s time to play, it can be a real pain in the backside. Today all of my best and biggest tics came out: punching myself in the face, slapping my forehead, loud whistling to name just a few. There was even the appearance of a new tic – I’ll do another post sometime on the changing face of my TS and how some tics are not always here to stay.
Now you can probably imagine that punching yourself in the face when you’re surrounded by people who have no idea why, and probably think you’re drunk, is quite embarrassing. I had told the people that sit directly next to me, but today there was no hiding from those further afield. The problem here is that the more I was worried about people noticing, the more I was ticcing. Having tried the age-old calming method of a walk round the building with no luck, I decided it was time to head home. And the minute I got back to my car, the tics stopped and my brain was quiet again.
Work and disclosure
Even at nearly 40, after working in several different places, I still struggle with when to let people know about my TS. I never want it to be the first thing I tell people, but leave it too long and you end up with a situation like today. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out.
If anyone has any thoughts on when they let their colleagues know about their tics, or have any questions about my post, please feel free to reach out in the comments.